Nuts!

After years of the question are you depressed?

I have hit depression. 

i am frustrated.  I have done CCSVi and I do feel better.  But today was bad.  Had a bowel accident.  I cleaned it.  Only I know about it.  But the moment of relapse just killed me.  For all my brovado, I am just sliding down a slide.

Ya'll are about to be me therapist. 

My wife has refused marital relations for 286 days.  I am not that bad.  I used an app and got the days counted since intimacy.  Just makes me lonely.

We have kids.  I am not working.   We got a bill from the surgeon day after Christmas and she gave me what for.  

I got approved for disability.  Doctor zeroed my account.  i told her.  And she did not apologize.  I have reminded her.  She has not even kissed me.

I do not walk great, but I get where I am going. 

During out 18 years, I have never gone to bed with another.  And now I am not that attractive.   I once met with a shrink, pre MS getting bad, who suggested an affair.  I am not married that way.  One woman.  One life.  Fore sake all others.  Till I die.  Cheating is not an option.

I will never get better, but I am better than most that I communicate with.  

I want to feel love. 

She does love me.  Despite all the MS, she is still here.  If not for the kids, I do not want to speculate.  Being there says something, but I a past depressed. 

Things I want to say I do not because of some bells can not be unrung.

Sorry to complain.  As I think, I am so much better off than others.  Those of you who know my writing know that I shoot to always be optimistic.  The bowel 'accident' and the lack of intimacy has just gotten me down.  I have failed to be a good husband.  I can't help getting MS. i have fought with every bit of my soul.  I have taken nothing for granted or failed to challenge everything and everybody.

But she does not see it.  And I want to scream, but I know that will not work.   I just must sit and take it.

I hate that.

Thank you all for reading.