As I sit in a chair and type, I fail to recall a worse 12-hour period in my life.  I did not have a car accident, only because I am checked into a hospital.  I have not hurt anyone.  But my pride and dignity are bruised and damaged.  I blame no one for these events.  I face the reality of my own self-bravado has landed me here.

The plasma procedure is actually going nicely.  I am feeling better when the sun is up.  My legs are improved, all things good.

My first night here, my mother visited.  She is very unaware and selfabsprbed. While I am laaying in a hospital bed, she stressed me out to no end.  The nurse gave me an anti-anxiety drug to calm me down. After speaking with a friend who was in communication during her visit, I feel that visit began an exacerbation that caused the events to follow.

I am kind of stuck in bed.  The hospital has a bright yellow armband saying, ‘FALL RISK.”  I just want up. Around the room.  Are you ready to walk?  Then I got out of bed.  Being stuck in bed is difficult for me.  I am an adventurous sort of person who tests limits.  I have tested machine limits driving cars over 100 miles per hour.  And I learned from the experience.  I have tested professional limits being successful at jobs I was not qualified for.  My professional recognitions and accomplishments make me a worker who finds pleasure at every employment ever held.  Personal limits of other people have been tested by decisions I made against other advice and counsel.  Announcing my girlfriend and I are moving in together on Father’s Day may have lacked tact, but my wife and I did communicate our new status on that day.  M wife wished I had chosen a different day.

I married a brilliant woman, knowing she was over my head, and we are still together.  That is a miracle. We have two great kids, a lovely home and multiple animals.

So what makes today so bad?

MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS.

After the plasma treatment this afternoon, all seemed good.  I was walking better.  The procedure consists of 5 treatments over 7 days.  I have tubes sticking out of the right side of my neck.  CCSVI led me to suggest this side because my left sides had the major blockages in the jugular (50%) and azignos (80%).  The surgeon agreed and put tubes into my body.  I am sorry for skipping around on events, tube insertion first, then plasma treatments.

After being in a bed more than 24 hours except for bathroom breaks (where I walked with a cane), I moved to the recliner.  One of my major MS problems stems from the fact that my right does not work as well as it used to.  Especially my right leg.  My knee can get stuck and refuse to bend.  Knee and leg issues create major walking problems.  Foot drop.  Inanity to raise my foot to walk.  Just chaos.

I did not know how painful the night was going to be.

After dinner, I walked from the recliner to the bathroom.  All things fine in that room.  Urination.  Walk out of the bathroom and my foot catches the floor.  I fall on my right shoulder.  The tubes are safe.  All fingers and toes move.  Now it is time to get up.

Right leg is completely nonfunctional.   I try to use the recliner, and it slides on the smooth floor.  I have nowhere to grip on the bench.  Hospital bed is too tall to climb.

And the door to the room is closed.  It is a very heavy door.  No sound will leave the room.  I am alone, on my back and helpless.

The hospital bed has the answer.  Get there, buzz nurses and the cavalry will arrive.  I slither to the bed and press the big, red “+”.  NOTHING HAPPENS!

I have shed no tears.  No yelling or cursing.  Just waiting for something to improve.  I remember the remote to the television.  That remote has the nurse call.  I will use that and all will work out.

I buzz and one nurse comes.  Shortly thereafter comes her partner.  They meet briefly and discuss.  Within second four more people come to lift me.  And lift they do and I return to bed.  For the evening. 

I have not been drinking a lot of fluids.  My idea came from less you drink, less you urinate.  The concept was clear in my mind.  Less walking, less falling.  Simple.  Clear.  Executable.

But not how the night played.

After getting in bed and very comfortable, I took a pill for sleeping.  I have slept on my right side as long as I can remember.  But tonight I had to lie on my back because of the tubes.

I just lay in bed.  Hours passed.  Midnight.  Nothing.

THE NEXT PART IS GRAPHIC.  IF YOU DO NOT WANT DETAILS, DO NOT READ.

While lying in bed, my right leg had become ramrod stiff.  I could not get it to move.   Frustrating.  You give your body a command to bend your leg at the knee and get no response.   I am just awful.

Now about 1 in morning and for some reason I have to urinate.  I buzz the nurse.  Time passes.  And passes.  And my bladder has gone from knocking to screaming.  I swing my legs RIGHT off the bed.  I have done it LEFT during the day and all was do able.  But tonight I go RIGHT.

Right leg is totally stiff.   And I feel my bladder relieving itself.  And urine goes out of me.  Humiliation.  I am in such a bad place mentally.  Physically, great hospital.  Emotionally, I am in a terrible place.

Last time I urinated in front of people was during a college fraternity hazing ritual.  And now I was just spewing.

I did not cry.  No one yelled.  I am just losing dignity. 

3 nurses were in the room as I emptied.  And the senior one said, “You had better get this corrected or we will do a Foley Catheter.”  PLEASE GOD NO.  NOT THAT.

When I was 15, I had one put in after surgery.  I was warned to urinate at that time.  Got to relieve you.  And I did not.  The “Nurse Ratchet” entered the room and my mother left.  She thought that was ok.  THEN I LET OUT A PRIMAL SCREAM AS THE CATHETER WAS INSERTED.  I WAS TERRIFIED.  Still scares me today.

Back to today, I was shaken b the senior nurse’s words.  Sleeping was not an option.   I could not get comfortable.  And the word “Catheter” bounced in my head.  I had the urinal for men (thank you penis) and tried to rest.  I could not. 

At about 3:15 am I had to urinate again.  Suddenly, I was basically spewing urine at a terrible rate.  I held it and used the urinal, but what next?

I finally slept.  I rolled left and slept strong.  I do not remember dreaming.  I got rest and refreshment.  I was told later that I slept about 90 minutes.

One of the most needed sleeps in my life.

Feel so weak.  I have cried typing this blog.  The memories hurt.  Badly. 

I will get better.  I have a life of value.  I live for my family.  What next?